So how’s being a bum so far? Sad, of course, as I am not used to feeling worthless. The feeling is strongest during the day when I’m alone at home. If not for the so-called Coronovela on TV and music and “A Feast for Crows,” I’d surely go bonkers (or more bonkers than I already am). But at least the urge to smoke is not there, unlike in the past three weeks when I was puffing more than half a pack a day. A TB survivor like me should not be smoking.
(For the record, I have two pending job applications, and both seem promising, I can feel it in my guts. Hopefully my phone will ring with good news before the month ends.)
Today I sold a story to Catholic news site UCANews.com. That made my day. I thank my former editor, Mr. Joe Torres, for the opportunity to be a journalist again.
Meanwhile, a picture of me and the ocean, taken last May 12, a day before Mothers’ Day, in Calatagan, Batangas.
As I write this, I’m looking at a bottle of Gran Matador and trying to figure out if it’s half empty or half full…
Such is the need to calm my nerves on this humid Monday afternoon while listening to an empty house breathe and sigh.
Things have not been running smooth in my life lately. I just quit my job of three weeks and am now officially unemployed. An incredibly unprofessional thing to do, I know, but something that must be done in order to preserve myself.
Somewhere out there, a blacklist with my name on it.
It was depression, an affliction a St. Luke’s psychiatrist said I was suffering from back in 2008, rearing its ugly head again, perhaps triggered by the new environment. The insomnia and late-night sweats, the lost of appetite, the morbid fear of getting out of the house. It was depression by way of social anxiety, it could not have been anything else. Visited my mother last Mothers’ Day, and all she could say was how gaunt and terrified I look. It was not the sort of special reunion I had in mind. And in my head came the dolorous clanging of alarm bells.
So I quit work. It’s either that or have another breakdown. Just like in 2008.